When I first met my boyfriend he was wonderful. And he stayed wonderful for 7 years. But after a long addiction to alcohol followed by an introduction to I-don't-know-what drug he changed. He became violent. He was violent for the last 2 years he was alive. Quite a few times I thought I was about to die as he held a gun to my head. There was more but I don't want to trigger anyone, I just want you to understand me. Nothing stopped him, not jail, restraining orders, therapy, alcoholic treatment... Finally on one of those days when he said he was going to kill me (and I could not escape) I shot and killed him. This was followed by a long period of grief/guilt. Even though 2 different people told me he had been saying that he planned to kill me.

So here I am today, in your forum, with fewer flashbacks/grief/guilt than when it happened but what has not changed it I do not trust anybody. How can I trust somebody in a relationship and think that they too will not change at some point and become violent? He was so kind for so long, but he changed. It could happen again. I only want to be by myself with the company of my horse.

Mods: if this post is inappropriate please delete it and PM me. I will leave quietly.