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That is exactly what my therapist says, that she can't 'fix it'. When I asked her "why not?" she told me that isn't how it works, and logically I understand that but it frustrates me a lot!
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Yes it is frustrating, painful, terribly sad and lonely-feeling.
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But your therapist said she could 'fix it' but that it is best you do it for it to make a real difference? That would make me really angry as it would feel like she was with-holding from me. How do you cope with that when you desperately want her to 'fix it'? I understand the long-term objective (that does sound lovely) but I don't think I could hear that from my therapist without feeling really angry.
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No, she just said that "if" she could. I look at it as feeling anxious and worried about a toddler learning to walk and one day when the toddler falls down and cries, picking up that toddler and never letting her walk again, because the risk of pain is too great. But from our adult perspective, we know that the toddler is going to master walking after some practice. And we'll be there when she falls down. And well be there when she wanders off to happily explore what catches her interests, glad knowing that she is through the worst of the falling down, and is now confident in her abilities, and has advanced to exploring freely. What if the toddler had really never been allowed to walk again?
How to talk about the intense feelings? It's hard and I'm not very articulate at those times especially. I usually end up in tears and we talk about what began the feelings, and we keep talking and I feel heard and understood, and relieved. They have been building blocks of our relationship, as she gets to know me better, and I come to trust her more.
I have also talked about how frustrating it is to have those feelings and no way to get rid of them, and what do I do with them. It is hard and exhausting waiting for them to subside. Writing helped me a lot. Focusing on T sometimes did, but sometimes made it worse.
It also helped me to try to take notice as often as possible of the kind things my T did do for me - scheduling an extra session, changing the time of a session, adjusting the shades when the sun was in my eyes, adjusting the heat or a/c, etc. She may not hug me or use the soothing words I would like to hear, but there is other evidence of her being there for me, on my side. I looked for it and found it, so I know it. Her words would have only been words.
Still, tell her what you would like to hear. It will help her, knowing what you want.
She may get to the point where she can do that, but not might not be the time yet.
Go ahead and talk about idealizing her and let her tell you that she's not perfect. It helps, even if it is frustrating and painful.
Others, with different experiences and knowledge have suggested another T might be more helpful. Maybe this is true. Have you considered seeing someone else for a few visits to talk about all this?