Thank you guys. i do still feel really low today but not as bad as last night, im usually more unhappy at night, i dont know why though.

i think its the weather here that is making me that little worse, its been cold and very windy and very rainy for the last week, and in miserable weather i usualyl find i feel miserable. whereas, in sunny, hot weather i find i can think more clearly and have a "sunny" outlook on life.

Canders, i am so grateful you are here, you, and everyone here are doing enough for me by just being here. my throat is worse today, it actually hurts to swallow. and it hurts to talk, so singing is out of the question, i dont want to be worse! i hope the old self returns soon too. im trying to take good care of myself but it just isnt possible right now, im not doing a good enough job. and canders, i will take up that offer, and i will pm you in a bit. thank you for the offer, it means alot to me.

What did you want to ask me biplol, please, go ahead. thank you for the compliments. i value what you said. thank you.

sky, i havent tried cutting onions. but i might try it later, will give an excuse to cook so i can. i can see how it would help so its worth a try.

esthersvirtue, i havent tried drawing it either. im not any good at drawing, its the wrong sort of art for me. music and song is my art. which reminds me, the title of this post (The tears are trapped) gave me inspiration for a song based on what this post is about. i think The Tears Are Trapped is a great song title, and it just popped into my head when i was pm'ing somebody saying about my post. im going to write a song based around how i am feeling later, and title it The Tears Are Trapped. i usually find that i can be feeling really low and say something, then an idea will pop into my mind and sends my creativity wild, so i get loads of ideas and produce some songs. so, esthersvirtue, i think i will use creativity, i like imagery in my songs so i will try to draw a picture with words.

thank you for the hug katherine. i accept it with open arms

i still didnt cry last night after making this post. i went back to bed and couldnt sleep so i decided to get up, get dressed, made a cup of tea, and sat on ym patio for an hour. it was really cold ooutside but i was dressed up warm, and had a nice hot cup of tea and just let the cold air clear my mind. it was nice to get fresh air and the moon was so bright and there were no clouds in the sky so i sat looking at the sky and began talking to my (deceased) mum. i like to think she can hear me and i often turn to her when im low. so i found that helped, and i came back indoors quite cold and when i got back in bed i was cold, so i snuggled up and fell asleep quite quickly. i didnt have nice dreams last night but at least i got some sleep, thats all that counts.

lately ive been battling with myself over something too. its about my music and my singing. im very destructive of it lately, see, i dont think i have enough talent or have what it takes to succeed, and im going through a huge period of doubt. ive never had anyone believe in me and nobody has ever encouraged me (by that i mean people in my everyday life) so i am just going through a conflicting time right now. maybe it will pass, i dont know, but right now im not sure im good enough to do the one thing in the world i love. and i just dont have the motivation to improve either. i dont like being destructive but its all ive been doing lately. and i wish it would just stop!

take care and thank you for listening, or shall i say reading lol!

simon