Trigger warning for discussion of CSA and relationships, also some discussion about genetic testing and cancer.

http://www.salon.com/2013/02/15/my_deep_dark_secret/

There is no explicit stuff regarding the CSA in this article, btw, just general references to the impact on the author's social & romantic life. I found this article deeply moving this morning. In part, the author takes us on a journey that she's still in the middle somewhere of, from avoiding romantic and to some extent all close relationships to finding a partner and having a family. It's complicated for her by her mother's death from cancer and the possibility that she might have inherited a cancer gene.

I relate to the relationship avoiding piece of this, from a historical perspective. Even though I've now been married mostly happily for a long time, I spent many years especially early in my therapy not really connecting with people or being ashamed of disclosing my past.

And I relate to the way that medical testing/intervention can mess with your survivor issues, and having to deal with the disembodied way that medicine treats certain procedures or even having to discuss body parts with physicians can just be really difficult.

But I burst into tears when she described the development of a relationship that seemed to be going well, and then she got brave and told him about her past. He does not react well. He's honest, and I think nobody can be blamed for the way that they feel. He said, though, and I hope I"m not unnecessarily "spoiling" it for anyone-- some space here just in case you want to stop reading




"I'm not up for being the partner of a survivor." He breaks up with her by saying this in an email.

I think, what if my H is not?

He's known from the beginning, before we even started dating and thought we were just friends. He knows who, when, what, without any details. But he's not an idiot and he's probably figured out over the years what some of the specific incidents might have been.

But knowledge is only a piece of it. Just because he knows and he hasn't said I'm not up for it, doesn't mean that he is. And this is just where my head is today. I know it's probably a good topic for therapy. I am hoping maybe someone else has bumped up against this issue or been through it or otherwise might be able to talk about it.