Trig only for brief mention of end of life thought.....

It is kinda strange. I have now been in therapy almost 3 years. I have had a lot of work and progress. Tons of ups and downs.
Lately I have had some great days and some very rough days. Unlike in the past when my T would respond to emails and support me, lately he has been letting me go. I see what he is doing and I understand it. But it has been difficult for me.

When I was an infant, my mom was told by an idiot neighbor lady to let me cry it out. That was all the rage of the day. My mom told me how much it hurt her to hear me but not go comfort me. Eventually I would stop crying. Of course they now know that the reason a baby stops crying is because they give up hope that they will be heard.

That has now happened in therapy for me. But I am not a baby this time, so I understand why T wants me to take care of myself. I have no clue if it was hard for him to read my emails without responding when he knew I was in pain. But the odd thing is that I honestly no longer care how he felt about them or even about me.

I don't know if it is healthy to come to this point or not, but it sure does hurt a lot less. And I know I have made it most of my life without having that type of a person in my life that did see and understand. I never had many friends anyway and never will. I am different and I know that. Thanks for the autistic genetics folks - lol.

But maybe now I can spend energy on trying to figure out my own path once again. It was odd but I even totally forgot to check my email yesterday to see if T responded to the last one where I flat out told him I would be glad when this life is finally over. Of couse I checked it today and no response. But I didn't expect it anyway, so there was finally no disappointment.

I will keep seeing him. But only because I have to see him in order to get him to document things that directly impact my job. I sure do hope the book I am working on (fiction) will sell once I finish it. Wishful thinking maybe, but that would allow me to never have to worry about how the PTSD and autism issues prevent me from doing certain work things that change my routines. Then I will be able to not have to see him at all.

I am glad I did go through all this though. And it did help me out. But the biggest thing it has done is teach me that I was doing it right my entire life already by just taking care of my own self.

Thank you for listening :-)