Quote:
Originally Posted by LolaCabanna
or being unable to change with her as your T. I wish you well, I know that be a good girl feeling. I have set myself up for that a time or two and when I'm inevitably not the good girl, I become a really good bad girl!  |
Thank you. You're right, trying hard to be the 'good girl' often leads down the road of self-destruction.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES
I look at it as feeling anxious and worried about a toddler learning to walk and one day when the toddler falls down and cries, picking up that toddler and never letting her walk again, because the risk of pain is too great. But from our adult perspective, we know that the toddler is going to master walking after some practice. And we'll be there when she falls down. And well be there when she wanders off to happily explore what catches her interests, glad knowing that she is through the worst of the falling down, and is now confident in her abilities, and has advanced to exploring freely. What if the toddler had really never been allowed to walk again?
It also helped me to try to take notice as often as possible of the kind things my T did do for me - but there is other evidence of her being there for me, on my side. I looked for it and found it, so I know it.
Have you considered seeing someone else for a few visits to talk about all this?
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Thank you.
I like your analogy. I understand it more now. However, I wonder about the toddler that keeps falling as she learns to walk...my problem is that I think no one will be there to notice and pick me up. Does this trust that someone will 'be there' only come with repetition? Should I even expect this of someone? Am I that important!? Perhaps because I don't think anyone will come I cry more loudly than I would if I trusted someone would care? I think I'm so fearful of falling that when I'm 'told' to walk on my own I scream loudly! Honestly, given a choice, I probably would give up all good in life to stop the pain.
Generally, even when I'm the most angry or upset, I can find evidence that my therapist cares too. The problem is it feels as though it was a different therapist. Logically I know it isn't but inside I can't match up the evidence with 'what she has done to me' (e.g. made me feel bad). I think that is the distortion she told me about. I feel she wants me to see the good and bad together, and she gets really frustrated when I 'forget it' time after time...her frustration and anger really upsets me because I don't want to forget, I feel defective enough that despite having evidence I still feel as I do so to add her anger/frustration on top of it all makes me feel so ashamed.
I've not really thought about the next step yet. I think I need some time to gather my feelings. I've realised the way things are at the moment I am on my own with this (apart from all the amazing support on here!!) so I feel a lot of pain from that too. I still feel really lost. But it is really nice having somewhere to talk, and people that care enough to reply to me. That means a lot to me.