well, masturbation is still fun so I'm not completely dead yet...
part of the reason I went to therapy was because I am completely isolated. I work from home and although I have people working for me around the country that I talk to often (via chat usually) and I have to talk to customers - I manage product support for a software product that is difficult to use and buggy and often have to speak to unhappy customers. part of my success at this job - which I hate - is due to my innate need to avoid conflict and please people. However that is increasingly hard to do and its gotten to the point that I really am afraid to answer the phone and its causing problems in my work - I liken it to being constantly under fire on the front lines of a war - I'm shell shocked at this point.
I've always been quite and reserved and afraid of what people will think - I'm the kid that knew the answer but would never consider raising my hand. I would never speak to girls from fear of rejection. If I found a girl who was stupid enough to like me, I'd hang onto her. I had the same girlfriend of high school until senior year and then broke up and I realized that some other girls did actually like me but none of those went anywhere except for one the could have but I screwed that up when the old girlfriend popped back up. I went to college and then met my wife soon after through a mutual friend and even though she played ridiculous games that should have clued me into her issues, I stuck with her and eventually we married.
Anyway, I lost the direction I was taking this... oh, doing things for myself - so anyway therapy was to help me with that and all its really done is cause me to think more about trying to do something for myself and then not actually being able to do it which makes me feel even worse
right now, what do I do:
I have no friends - really, 0. Her brother was the closest I had to a friend but he doesn't really talk to me much as, I believe, he had to distance himself from people associated with his drinking problem when he joined AA. I've never been a big drinker but when he would come around because he could drink in my house but no his, we would drink. so I really have no one to talk to or do anything with.
I run/walk 60 minutes a day. Alone and timed to avoid as many people on the streets as possible and if I do encounter someone, I'll often try to avoid them.
I have motorcycles but I don't ride very much. I'm not afraid of them, I'm afraid to leave the house - I like riding them very much.
I manage to convince myself that what I want to do is stupid and pointless or too expensive and then I use that to stay home. I also seem to use the possibilty that someone might need me to do something as a reason to stay at home. Even when no one else is at home and I have some time to myself, if I do manage to get out, I'm constantly feeling that I need to get back home - just in case - in case of what, I don't know. Then I justify staying at home because of all the work I have to do around the house - how can I go out when there is so much that needs to be done at home - and I enjoy working on the house so its not that bad.
I have a classic corvette that doesn't get driven much - we were taking money out of an IRA we had (way too early) to pay our bills and to supplement my salary and I kept telling my wife it was a bad idea and it kept diapearing so I took a very small amount of it to buy this car because I figured I better get something out of my money before its all gone. I drive it to car shows if I somehow manage to get over convincing myself that going to car shows is stupid or whatever other roadblock I put up. Of course at the car shows, I just walk around and not talk to anyone - I might run into a husband of a friend of my wife's and even though we could possibly be friends, I don't know how and I don't think he really does either.
I once rode to a motorcycle show and quickly left - I felt out of place.
I like museums - there's a showing at a local museum that I told my wife would make a nice date - she thought that was dumb.
I'd like to learn to sail - its expensive and very hard to do alone.
I'd like to fly a helicopter but that's REALLY expensive.
I'd like to start hiking and I may actually do that but have to manage to leave the house to do it. I've considered hooking up with a hiking group but I can't get past my fear to do that.
I'd like to go out on fishing boats - can't seem to manage to do that either.
I'd like to paint but I can't find the time to do that - I work a lot and then when I'm not working at work, I'm working around the house.
I'd like to learn to play the bass - I have one I bought for my son - but then I think its silly for me to play the bass. Its likely that I will actually try this.
I'd like to someday go to Burning Man because to me that represents souls that are truly free to be who they want to be rather than me who is afraid to express anything.