For me though I am quite sure I am not the only one, even getting up in the morning takes a lot of work...sometimes I feel my emotions and can enjoy things, at other times I can only feel the negative ones and sometimes just an empty hollow feeling. Like today I actually got some various herbs since that is something I am intrested in and want to learn about right now I am using them for different kinds of tea...and I am hoping to maybe grow fresh herbs in a garden pretty soon here.

But of course my feelings of enjoyment about that have diminished and I am worried I won't make it mentally to the next day...though I worry about that every night and then rather slowly I manage to drag myself out of bed make some tea and use momental effort to motivate myself to do something other than lay around feeling useless if I can...and lately I have hardly had any energy which makes it even harder. I wanted to go see my dad today but I never was able to become up for it so I will try again tommorrow, actually going to try and get some sleep soon so maybe I will get a bit more sleep and more energy. But yeah I've had a stress headache most of today and nothing has rid me of it, trying to figure out what it is that's got me spread so thin but can't seem to figure it out.

But yeah it ends up turning into how can I look forward to learning about herbs or growing a garden, when if this doesn't let up and SSI doesn't happpen I'll probably have to resort to the psych ward again and not just 5 days. I am thinking I might have to do that before I find out about the SSI if I can't some how reduce my current stress and some of the weirdness coming with it. but I am pretty afraid of ending up being manipulated and confused into treatments I don't want or don't help or being made worse by drugs they give me....I'd like to say I'd go in and refuse them all but chances are I will feel the need for something to calm my nerves if I was to go without anything to calm me I'd probably prefer being in a psych ward for the duration because I don't know what I would do without relief of my symptoms.

uhh makes me sad, feeling like I have to choose between living life and doing something I'd like as best I can in spite of the issues I have or potentially being destroyed by the mental health system just for feeling like I can't get to a place mentally where that is possible on my own.