I have been thinking about what to say to you in response to this, because it was really courageous of you to share this.

I have not faced this. I think if I thought my H was aroused by the idea of me having been abused, there is no way that I could deal with it. I would see it as being sick and perverted, maybe equivalent to being an actual pedophile. I guess I'm aware that arousal may not always be a choice, just like a lack of arousal may not be, and it doesn't have to *mean* anything.

But there are times when it is difficult enough for me to be okay with my H's arousal towards me as a whole person, and he has just an average amount of sexual interest in his wife, and is normal in that way-- that if I felt his arousal was about me being abused, that would literally make me nauseous. How could someone who loves you respond with arousal to the idea of you being hurt and ashamed? It doesn't make sense to me.

The other thing that occurs to me is that this belief of his arousal could be something that comes entirely from you (I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings here). I know that I have had certain beliefs or feelings about other people that have been completely wrong. So if I felt this, I would want to verify my belief by asking him whether this is in fact true. Because part of the legacy of sexual abuse is mixed up understandings and feelings about arousal and everything else related to sex. The wires get crossed in the experience of abuse and can be difficult to untangle as adults having loving, consensual sex.