because of that, I have shut myself up in my room all day and the only time I ever go out is when I have school. When I'm at school, there are some people who are nice and some people who are total jerks. they don't know what I have been going through. It's not like If I told them my experiences they would care. they are just so heartless. I am in constant pain. I keep going back to the past. Now I'm in my room and sometimes I find myself watching some inappropriate stuff online and nobody knows all because I'm bored and I just have no life. NObody ever takes me out and my cousins are all married. I'm just an only child always looking for companion. Today I got so mad at myself for relapsing that I decided to just cut myself. I wanted to cut myself because I am hurting so badly. NObody cares about me at all. My parents don't love me. all they ever do is feed me and that's it. They never spend quality time with me and they're always at work. And i'm left alone all the time and when they're not around I watch porn. That's a sad fact. There's a history of mental disorder in my family i think because for three generations we have been arguing all the time. every marriage seemed to be on the verge of dying but it always survives leaving one person behind. it's so sad to know that I have to live. I wish I can cut all these ties that bind me. I feel like there's a contract that binds me to my parents until I'm 18. I want to be loosed from their control. If I were 18, I'd be doing therapy with a counselor at school. Since I went to therapy and the counselor didn't do anything but have talks with me about bullying, I decided I should just quit plus my mother didn't like it when I started telling the counselor that she used to hit me with a flyswatter. I'll never forget those moments and ever since those times I have not given her the same respect. She wants to know why I hate her. I hate her simply because of that. She hit me and she made me cry and as I'm crying, she kept on yelling. I was traumatized and had nobody to rescue me. The neighbors wanted the landlord to evict us because of the noise that we've been constantly making. They simply could not stand it. I hated it. I didn't want to be in the house and I also don't like the one that I'm living in. I feel like the minute we got this house, the minu te I became addicted to porn and masturbation. Maybe the former owners in this house probably committed these abominable acts. I have not told anybody about this yet and the more I do them, the more ashamed I am. I can't quit without getting rid of my computer. I wish I had a hammer so I could just smash my computer but of course it does not belong to me so I can't do anything about it. I wish we could have the other wall jacks working again so that I could leave my computer in there and not have to be in my room. Feels like a punishment coming from someone above sometimes. For the things that I have been doing. When people hurt me, they don't receive the same punishment so why should I? I'd like to see my tormentor suffer before my eyes. there's this one guy who told me that he was going to be more successful than me and that I would be homeless. Well we'll just see.I hate him. I will never forget those words. I hope someone can knock some sense into that guy.