Hi

I've been trying to read along but I am useless when it comes to offering support right now, and I'm sorry.

I am REALLY struggling with what happened with my T. I have more information than I had before and it is so so so so clear now that he terminated me because of lies someone else was telling about me. T believes *I* was the person who was lying.

I can not even begin to tell you how painful it is. I cry ALL the time.

We had such a long relationship.

I. never. lied. Not once. I was so honest.

He told me to keep fighting (why?) and I did finally send him one last e-mail on Thursday with all of this evidence and asked him to reply when he read it and he didn't reply. I guess he's not going to.

He asked when I left for me to leave my things on his desk, because the connection was "real" and the work we did was "good" and he wanted those reminders of me. Last night I had insomnia and I realized...**** that. He wants those reminders of a relationship that he ruined so he can feel better about what happened....like, well the end sucked, but the rest was okay.

The end ruined the rest of it.

I still hold the good lessons I learned in therapy - I can connect with other people now, and feel my feelings, and that is huge, but that came from inside me, from the work I did.

Our connection was fake and T just threw it away.

I am going to ask him to take everything off of his desk - even one item he asked me if he could please keep if I took everything else away at my last session - and put it by the back door for me. And I am bringing everything of his - every symbolic trinket he gave me, every note he wrote me - and leaving it by his back door for him. We did good, hard work at the end on an ongoing letter to my little part and I am going to shred it and leave the shredded paper for him. I want so badly for him to hurt as much as I do.

It's HONESTLY like a nightmare. I never thought my therapy would end like this. I thought T and I would be connected forever. He just threw me away based on someone else's lies. Lies that are SO OBVIOUS. Now that I've started opening up to friends, and a lawyer, and I've shown them the "evidence" they are blown away that this played out the way it did. It's SO OBVIOUS.

When I was little and I was abused I thought it was love. It was really hard for me to integrate and accept the fact that it was SO not anything even close to love. I wonder if this is like that with T. What happened is so bad and unbelievable that he just can't let himself believe it. And the easiest thing to do is just send me away and pretend it didn't happen.

My heart is broken. I feel like I will be sad forever, and I hate it because there are so many good things in my life. This just hurt so deeply, on so many levels. I'm worried I won't be okay. And of course, the person who supported me for all of these years is GONE. I feel so alone and lost.

I am really really sad.