I'm with you too.

You may feel like you are being punished, but they really just want to help you. You don't deserve punishment. You deserve to feel better and to be able to trust people, to have friends, and not to be afraid.

I'm glad that you are preparing yourself to let them in. Sharing your writing is a good way to do that. Although it feels like a violation (right?), making their job easier is ultimately so that they have a better chance of helping you, hopefully making your life easier. You don't sound irrational to me. You sound like someone who has been hurt, and who doesn't want to be hurt again, and that is completely rational.

Maybe we can't be there with you physically, but we'll be with you in spirit. Picture us there to support you and hold your hand, because we are there, even though you can't see us.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>