Today was the first time my therapist had ever used the word borderline, and I've been seeing her since July. She mentioned it in response to the description of my up and down moods, and how I go from feeling like Superwoman one minute to literally, in the next minute, feeling like everything is hopeless. I asked her if she thought that's what I had, to which she responded, "You definitely have some symptoms, it takes a very long time to diagnose someone with a personality disorder."

And it well may, but I've thought for a long time that I've exhibited symptoms of BPD. I'm getting my Master's in Social Work and have written plenty of papers on BPD that resonated with me on a very personal level. So why the hell did I feel so surprised, sucker-punched, when she used that word? Why am I so scared? I guess maybe because it adds some kind of reality to it.

Here's what I know:

I always assume the worst. If someone doesn't call me back, they're mad at me. If they're more short in text messaging than usual, they're mad at me. It doesn't register with me that people are busy and have lives, they're mad at me.

I have recently rekindled a relationship with a man who ended things with me, I believe, based on my BPD tendencies. Our relationship the first time around was very "i hate you, don't leave me", and then he left and I spent the next two months feeling like my world had ended. He's back now, and we're trying to take things slow, but he's so guarded. Understandably so, says the rational part of my mind, but the emotional part of my mind says it's because he doesn't feel as strongly for me as he did before. We're not spending every waking moment together like we did before. Some might see that as healthy, as being our own people and taking our own space, I see it as rejection. Therefore, I'm on the verge of ruining this relationship for a second time because my insecurity is causing me to push him towards things he's not ready for yet. And I spend a large portion of my time being obsessive or worried about the relationship. He didn't call me "dear" in a text message, this must mean he's breaking up with me. I'm literally driving myself crazy with fear and worry, and I'm trying to keep it at bay from him so that he doesn't see what I'm doing, so he thinks I really have changed, and I have in many ways, and I'm trying so, so hard...

but it's like sometimes the emotions just take me over. The slightest little thing will send me into tears and panic.

And what's frustrating is that some days I can convince myself that everything is going to be ok, that even if things don't work out with he and I, it's not the end of the world. i convince myself not to be so overwhelmed by the uncertainty of my life, and I laugh and I smile. But I can't trust that. Because it's so fleeting, so temporary, and so inconsistent. My moods are back and forth then up and down then back again so quickly that it scares me, and I feel like I have no control.

It's the same way with my self-worth. It's so fragile. It's so dependent on other people's opinions of me. Some days I think I'm pretty great, but other days I feel like the most worthless POS in the world. Nothing in my life feels stable. Not even the way I see myself. Everything is black and white. It's either perfect or horrible. He's either breaking up with me or we're getting married, I'm either beautiful and worthy or hideous and worthy of nothing. Oh, and the only thing that helps me with any of this is to binge eat and then throw up. And then I feel guilty for throwing up. But if I don't throw up, I feel guilty for eating too much.

There are so many other things, so many other reasons I feel like my therapist hit the nail on the head. And I'm so scared of this uphill climb, I'm afraid I'll never have a normal relationship. I'm just scared on so many levels.