I desperately need someone to talk to, but talking to a complete stranger isn't going to help. Catch 22. I went to a mental health clinic a few times. You don't see experienced or even competent therapists at places like these, and the one prescription they put me on--effexor--didn't work for me. They wanted another 3 months to change it to something else.

I was blamed for that--drugs not just 'snapping me out of it.' Thought I had one good, real friend in my life, and she blamed me for my depression. Therapy would work for me and meds would work for me so obviously, it's my fault I'm still depressed.

What comfort is there to be had in 'dumping' on a complete stranger that either 1) you met on the internet and have never/will never lay eyes on, or 2) is a counselor who has only clinical and financial interest in you, and only insofar as needing the least amount of info that will allow them to pick the right drug to put you on?

None.

I live in an emotionally and socially deranged culture. Nobody gives a crap about the people they know in real life, have actual contact with, are friends with or related to. We walk around with our eyes down, staring like soulless zombies into little boxes. Meanwhile, people are cracking up all over the place.

I know what I needed from daydamnone--I need someone to talk to.

That was my unreasonable request. That's just too much to ask. I was to go to a stranger, get drugged up, and come back happy. Eat, shop, eat, shop, eat, shop, fake happy all day, every day, or I'll scrape you off. Go pay someone to talk to, because you have to have a medical degree in order to show basic compassion to someone you call a friend.

And that's exactly what happened.

I am apparently worthless. If I had worth, I'd have a friend to talk to. And I'm now also at a point where I'm too far gone--having a friend to talk to would do me no good now. It's too late. I also have four suicide attempts under my belt.

I really am sick of this. When you see someone depressed, in crisis, you know they're bawling every day--what exactly goes through your head as you shove them away when they need to talk? What exactly is that? I don't recognize that kind of apathy and coldness. Where does it come from?


And how accurate is this site's depression quiz? I scored a 79.