Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Coral
It might have been an anxiety attack. I want to say you are obviously a very intelligent and talented individual. Your painting was awsome. I always wished I could draw or paint but my talents ran in a different direction. I wish your parents were more supportive so you would get some help in dealing with stuff.
Since you have to deal without the support of your parents and help from a therapist you need to develop another support system or two which you have started by posting here. You are also reading up and learning how to deal with your depression and anxiety.
The main thing I wanted to say is I think you are a very strong, intelligent, creative person you just need to believe it. You have to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I get the need to perfect especially when that is what is expected of you by others. I've been there. Please hang in there, I know it doesn't seem that way but things will get better eventually.
Take care of yourself  |
I am still feeling a bit restless because of my disappointment in myself. No matter what I do, I still feel empty. People have always told me that I was a perfectionist. No matter how hard I try to tell myself it's okay to makes mistakes and fail, I am never mentally prepared for failure. When I fail, I break down no matter how hard I told myself I wouldn't. Yet, I keep trying, even though I know I will fail. I feel so stupid.
I try writing in a journal, but it seems that my emotions never go to the page. I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I want to believe the good things people, but I can't because I don't trust them. I always think that they actually pity my incompetency so much that they say good things about me. I can't stand that. Trusting people is so difficult.
It is really difficult to be a human being: always a constant struggle between the id and the superego. At least according to Freud. Is there any way to achieve a balance between your true self and the idealized person you envision? I no longer care about who I am because I am striving to become the idealized version of myself. But, I believe that I can't achieve that.
I will try to hang on, but my fingers are slipping. Or I am losing a lot of my will to hang on tight.