I take it that someone near you keeps talking about the abuse they went through and then complain about the responses they get back from talking about that abuse, because they are not getting the response they want they feel like they are still getting victimized and you are getting upset because if they just kept their mouth shut they would not get hurt and that they telling is their own fault so t hey are not victims just stupid for talking about it so much when people are telling them to shut up about it?

My first intinct was to go off big time - not at the person telling but at people who think those that are telling are stupid. Then I reread and saw that you were raised with the "shut up" attitude.

I know it hurts being abused and being around someone who feels like they are ready to stop keeping the dirty secrets of what happened to them. I used to get so upset to, to the point where I would pull myself out of friendships with anyone that had been abused just because I didn't want to and or couldn't talk about what happened to me.

But along the way during therapy I became stronger to where I realized it was doing more damage to me kepping my mouth shut then it was if I was talking about it. I was landing in mental health units every three months, I was actively suicidal, I had these flashbacks I had no idea where they were coming from and how to stop them or even that they had the name of flashbacks, I had nightmares so much that I was sleeping only an hour or two at a time, I was abusing prescription drugs just to get a nightmare free full nights sleep, I was getting into the drinking so much that I ended up in the emergency room from alcohol poinsoning and am now allergic to brewers yeast so that now even one drink will put me into the hospital, while comepletely aware (not dissociated I could not be in the same room with a man without experiencing high anxiety let along have a boyfriend and intimate relationships, Basically I lived in my daydream world called la la land 95% of the time. I moved out of my parents home and Then one day I told just a little bit and with in a couple days a friend noticed I had sat down and had a conversation with my boss who was a man my age. and she asked me what had changed. I told her I didn't know but I just didn't have a tight I need to get away from him feeling right then so I went along with it. Each time I saw my counselor I told a little bit more and each time I felt a little bit better. a day came when I had to move back into my parents home and one day I started to tell my mother about one of my abuse situations and she told me to keep quiet. Don't tell anyone, or she was gonig to kill herself. So I again went back to shutting up. I moved out of my parents home and could not seem to manage anything I was so afraid to sleep in my own home that I made sure I had company of friends almost every night or spent nights at my friends houses. Keeping everything shut up was again doing major damage to me I couldn't even set up job interviews to start working again. so I again got a counselor and started telling and started feeling better. and again I was told to keep my mouth shut by family members when I disclosed that I was seeing a therapist. And I did. and once again I became isolating myself and having only one friend and making sure I wasn't alone and so on, nightmares and flashbacks and so on, I even started experimenting with pot, luckily the only thing I could do with that was be in the next room while someone smoked it and let it slowly come out to me for a second hand high becaus ethe smell just gagged me into losing time. Then I moved to another town and got back into therapy and again started telling and again started feeling better. With all this experience of shut up, tell shut up, tell,... The one thing I knew way that I feelt better when I wasn't keeping everything bottled up inside. And so part of the reason I lived in other towns then my family was so that I could be free to be me and not have to keep the dirty rotton things a secret eating away at my mind and physically because by this time I was being treated for ulcers, migraines, epilepsy because I was losing time and realized that normal people didn't lose time and forget things and hear static in their head all their lives so I thought there had to be something wrong with me physically. But all the medical reports came up that I was normal with the exception of my brain waves - I had the ability to appear asleep brain wave wise when fully awake.

Then one day I was sitting in a prison inmate offenders program with other members of my group that had been asked to attend the prison group as guest speakers. I had no intention of opening my mouth but this one guy made me made because he thought his 2 year old "wanted it" because she kept taking off her clothes. I opened my mouth big time and came out of that prison shaking but feeling SO much freer and calmer and so on. I actually slept all night long that night without a nightmare. I told anyone and everyone possible what I had done and what I could remember of what happened to me - I told co workers, friends, went into high schools, churches, colleges, prisons you name it I told. I got many reactions and some of that was people telling me to shut up I shouldnt be tellnig people about my being a victim, I wouldnt be a victim if kept my mouth shut, it was own fault, I should just get over it already, quit being stupid and telling people that I was a victim... You name it I was told. But by this time I realized three things - I felt healthier when I was telling, that abusers want their victims to keep quiet because that way the person stays isolated and under the abusers control, and my telling was helping others to learn how to get out of abusive situations and get help for them selves. So I kept right on telling. And I continue telling to this day. because I am healthier physically and mentally without keeping the dirty secrets inside eating away at my body and mind and because I can help others.

Someday it won't hurt so much for you to be around people who go against their being raised to keep things "shut up" and things will get better for you when you are ready. maybe you can explain to the person in your real life that right now it hurts you to hear about her abuse history and maybe she could find other topics of conversation when with you.

You are right that telling is not being a victim - for me its not stupidity. for me telling is my being a survivor.

Hang in there.