After several months of not SIing, I started again tonight at work. I was doing so well.......fighting impulses.

Since I've stopped taking all those meds and just stayed on the Lexapro, it has been very hard. I have no T anymore, no one in 3D who even cares to listen.

I have called my doc to talk about some kind of med and what he did was called that psych hospital and put it in a referral for me hoping it would speed up the waiting list I'm on for maybe June. No response from them and my doc won't put me on anything because it "isn't his field" - never stopped him before.

Didn't want to go back to the pill pusher doc here in town, but I'm getting desperate. I was so angry, stressed, and irritable tonight at my job and then by accident I was wrapping up some food and the cutter on the box of the saranwrap (sp?) scrapped my wrist.

It felt so good - no blood but the sensation was great. I wanted more, but walked away. The rest of the night I kept telling myself to stay away from it and battling the voices in my head that were encouraging me to cut.......to enjoy the pain.........to FEEL and SEE the blood.

I have been so depressed that I simply didn't have the will power to refuse and so I went back into the kitchen and cut myself on my wrist. It wasn't enough so I took my small blade on my keychain (I've never been able to throw it away, I did try before) and made numerous more cuts that bled.

The worse part is I'm glad - I know that is wrong, but I want more. It felt good to release my stress. I have no outlet anymore, not since March. It has been building for so long that it finally burst out. I have this crazy urge to cut my entire arm.........so far I have resisted that one.

It all came back - the rush, the sensations of letting out the frustration and pain...it was wonderful.

This is not good.