TRIGGER WARNING: Mention (in passing) of Suicide.

I arrived angry but I thought I'd dispose of a trivial matter first. I told T I was cancelling our next session to pay for an Aspergic assessment. T then insisted on discussing the cancellation policy.

Except there was no policy. I felt I had been put in the wrong she hadn't even told me what she wanted. I felt crushed and powerless and angry and rejected and betrayed. To me, it wasn't about money, it was about mutual commitment. Love, in fact. She admitted we hadn't had this discussion before precisely because I am so regular about attendance and meticulous about payment. (I pay her by internet banking.)

Me: I have always tried to pay you on time, no matter how angry I was.

I told her how upset I was when she questioned my payment last year.

T: Why didn't you tell me then?
Me: We had other things to fight about at the time.
T: You don't like it when I question your love.
Me: No I don't!

I was ready for a combative session but I didn't expect to be ambushed coming in the door!

We talked about how I felt but she still made no specific demands. I told her this was a stupid game and she replied that it was no game. Nevertheless we moved on.

I told her about feeling unsupported in the session about my teenage daughter. T said she was trying to empower me by pointing out how powerless I was. She was trying to help me find my power. My experience was exactly the opposite. I felt dis-empowered.

T: It seems the whole thing was about power, powerlessness and responsibility.
Me: "Powerlessness and responsibility" is a particularly deadly combination. People kill themselves over that.

I told her what I wanted and expected. She said that when I don't get what I want I don't want what I get. The power struggle again in another form.

I lamented that when I am upset, (sad and angry), I don't listen. My boss and my wife always calm me down before trying to reason with me. T says she will never do that because it would be pandering to my power, and that would be bad for me.

Me: I don't have these power struggles with other people.
T: You have in the past. And in your other relationships, the other person always backs down first.
Me: Even my boss?
T: Yes. He lets you do what you want most of the time. You always want the position of power in your relationships. That's why you don't get on with your brother-in-law. He refuses to let you boss him around.
Me: I think that argument works rather better for my sister-in-law.
T: OK. Whatever.

So T's plan for me is to get me comfortable with powerlessness and to persuade me to let go of power. But it always feels to me that she is trying to take my power from me by force.

(Oh dear. There's a Freudian cliche for that. But hey, that's something I can look up on the internet.)

Finally, she left it up to me to decide whether I would come next week or not, pay for next week or not.

I'm not going to go, but I shall pay her half her fee for the cancelled session.