A few years ago we had an issue with our apartment being so filthy that we had a warning to clean up or expect eviction. Back then I chalked it up to my being severely depressed, nearly suicidal and drinking too much. Well fast forward to more recent times and while it's still a constant struggle to keep the place presentable we were doing really good for a long time...I was medicated then though.

Well, the last few months I just let things slide and it became so overwhelming that I gave up. We rent and something happened so the building manager had to come in with no notice. He warned us to clean up before we end up with a notice again. I was so ashamed and embarassed I cleaned for 4 hours! It's still a mess but, nothing like it was or worth giving a notice too.

I cried to myself and asked what is wrong with me that I live like that? Some I'm sure is due to my personality and preferences but I'm thinking, maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought I was. Is it a coincidence that while medicated I managed to keep my home at least sanitary? My job isn't particularily stressful not does it require more than the standard 40 hour work week but it seems I spend all my energy functioning at work, fitter, happier, more productive and by the time I'm done I don't want to socialize or even manage basic self care. I appear neat, clean and taken care of when I put on my work front but, outside of that I think I may really have a bipolar problem.

Just because I'm successfully functioning when it comes to employment doesn't mean I'm doing okay when I can barely feed myself or clean up. I had a friend once, a fellow bipolar person herself actually, tell me one of the biggest clues to your mental health state is how you keep your home. I ignored her before but, maybe she is right and I'm in trouble.

Might very well be time for some of those medication things. Yet, I'm still afraid of losing my one area of functioning due to bad doctors or side effects or loss of the crazy 'manic' drive that I don't need to explain how fantastic it is when you've got **** all else.