It wasn't until just the other day when I realized that I am having a horrible problem getting out of my bed & out of my house to even function with the little things that I need to do in my life.

I knew that the thought of the real estate offer being photographed the next day for it to be televised in the future was really bothering me. I thought that was just stress about the fear of being seen by people I am afraid of which shouldn't actually matter. But I realized that my problem is more than just that. I was having the farrier come out to the ranch to shoe my horse. I was having a horrible anxiety attack just getting out of my home for that, & when they were standing around chatting while he was doing several of the other horses, I couldn't even talk & went off to play with my horses rather than try to force myself to be sociable. The anxiety level I was going through wasn't even close to being normal is a situation like that.

I talked to my psychologist the night before the interview & we talked about how bad it is getting for me to even go out of my house anymore. I find excuses to let my husband take care of everything & avoid. His suggestion was to make sure & take a tranquilizer before the interview to calm me down a bit. Good idea, but getting through it was more than I could imagine being able to do. Go figure. I was the person who performed my flute infront of thousands of people. I used to be able to do public speaking at symposiums & run meetings all the time. I was able to get A's in all my public speaking classes.

It actually should have been a very exciting piece of photography......I should have been much more excited than I was able to be. I mean, there were 4 offers on the house (in 2 days) & the final offer was quite a bit over the asking price. The strange thing was that I felt like there was someone there & I was just watching it happen. I was definitely shocked however. After they photographed that, they interviewed me about my thoughts. That was rather difficult & it came out that I was so glad that the house was sold so that I could finally let go of the memories that the house held & be able be free to go on with my life.

Luckly, I had my appointment with my psychologist that afternoon & we were able to talk about what is really going on about my fears to be away from where I feel safe. I thought that the only thing after that was to finish off clearing out the house. I was exhausted by the time I got home & took my seroquel to avoid the nightmares & get a good sleep.

I was woken up the next morning with a phone call from the producer of the show & found out that they want to do more with the story of the sale of the house. They want to photograph a session that relives when I decided to go with the real estate agent. They said that the sale of the house was so interesting becase everything happened to quickly & ended up so great that they wanted the whole story. Well, here it goes again. I was able to tell the producer a little about what was behind it including why I was wanting to get rid of the house so bad that I was considering taking the "as is" offer from the other person. When she heard about what had happened, she was even more interested in having that be part of the program. Now instead of having a day to get stressed, I have even longer.

At least now, I finally know why I have been fearing the huge move to Kentucky. It isn't just because it is a very complicated move, but the fear of being outside of my own home makes it almost impossible to make it back there to search for a farm or property to build on especially when I am doing it alone.

They were cute about the filming of the offer however, I brought Leo (my guardian angel eskie) along & he does help me more than I ever realized.

It is amazing to me how much fear I now realize I am having just trying to get out of my house let alone doing anything stressful on top of that. At least my psychologist realizes what I am dealing with now & we know why I am having so many issues trying to get on with my life. At this point, it is almost impossible. I am going to need alot of help to be able to make the life I want actually come true. At least & have a wonderful psychologist to help me. Right now, I feel trapped. Hopefully that will be able to change in the future.

Debbie