I think it's one of the hardest things in the world to look at ourselves and take responsibility for the roles we play in life. It takes a lot of courage to even reach that point never mind accept it. Many, if not most people, don't.

It's natural to feel beaten but that feeling won't always be there. At the moment it's probably overwhelming to know it's down to you to change and create the life you want. In my experience I felt angry and miserable because I couldn't put the responsibility onto anyone else to take care of me or to change to make my life managable. It was down to me. It made me more aware of my faults and quirks and what I really didn't like about myself. It can easily esculate into hopelessness and depression unless you take charge of it. But remember you are okay -no matter what. ALL humans have faults and difficulties and look to others sometimes. It is natural to do that. What may help you, now, is to feel the power that you have and cherish the good things about taking responsibility. They will come.

I like Anne's suggestion to look at the future. Instead of thinking how painful life has been (unless it needs working through of course) focus on where you're going, what you want, and how to move towards it. That can remove some of the hopelessness and create better feelings about yourself.

Best of luck.