that gives us a constant need to seek our parent’s approval, no matter how crappy they treat us?

Recently in therapy, I suppose a few weeks ago, I was telling my therapist that I felt really bad about myself because I’m 26 years old and I have accomplished nothing with my life. I have no college degree. I have no career. There is one thing that instantly pisses me off…when someone tells me I’m extremely intelligent.

Why?

Here’s the thing. I feel like I’ve been built up to be more than I am my whole life. My parents always told me that I was a genius. I was always in magnet programs and in advanced classes since I was little. I was a mathematical savant when I was little until I got my TBI when I was around 11. That TBI, I feel, destroyed my hopes and dreams and my parents hopes and dreams for me. I now test mentally retarded in math. I tested at genius levels before the TBI (traumatic brain injury). Yes, I know I’m decently intelligent. But I can’t stand it when people tell me that I’m so super duper smart. I scored a 132 on the WAIS-III IQ test. Big freaking deal, I’m a good test taker. If I’m such a genius, why am I 26 and a complete loser in life? If I had done something with my life, I could be in my surgical residency by now. But no, I’m a pizza delivery driver. My therapists always tell me that I’m incredibly smart, and every time they do, I feel violent.

And I know that my parents are ashamed of me. They expected me to be more. And I feel like I’ve let them down. At 26, the only thing I’ve accomplished is being in and out of mental hospitals…dropping out of 3 different universities…being homeless for a period of time…being a drug addict for a period of time. I never lived up to what I should have become. And I am angry, because I know my family is disappointed in me. And I am disappointed in myself. I could have done more, and just knowing that pisses me off.

But who cares. I have an amazing girlfriend. We both want, more than anything to have a wonderful family. I can return to school at some point and become something. And I can make my own life, my own dreams, my own goals. And it doesn’t matter if it’s never good enough for my parents. Michelle told me that I need to radically accept that nothing I do will ever be good enough for them, because I am never going to be the top surgeon in the country…and even if I was…it would still not be good enough for them. Because I am mentally ill and I am a lesbian.

But why does it bother me so much? Why does it irritate me and sadden me to my core when my parents sigh on the other end of the phone, or give me that look that they don’t approve or that I could have been more? Are we born with some biological need to strive our entire lives to seek that desperate approval from those that birthed and raised us? Is it some sick, twisted basic need that evolution has programmed in to us? Why do I call them with the pithy excitement that I may be getting a promotion at Domino’s, knowing that it’s not good enough for them?

/rant