And I'm a wreck. Lately I have been completely out of control. In the past month I have SI'd 4 times and ended up in the ER twice. The last time was Saturday. I had to get 3 stitches. The mental health caseworker thought I should be hospitalized but then his shift was over and another one came on. She finally got in touch with the psychiatrist who said I didn't need hospitalized because it was not a suicide attempt. He said it is a behavior. Anyway, I don't know how much longer I will be able to stay out of the hospital because I really am not safe with myself. However, 99.9% of the times I cut I am drunk. So the solution is don't get drunk. Luckily, I am beyond financially strapped so I can't afford to buy alcohol. Unfortunately though I have guy friends who like to take me out and get me drunk and then take advantage of me. I have no idea why I let that happen. Friday night I went out with this guy that pretty much repulses me. I knew if I got drunk we'd end up back at his place and YUCK! So, instead, I went into the bathroom to get sick and I don't even know how it happened. I grabbed a piece of metal baseboard and started slashing at my wrist. I have NEVER done this in public before. I have always kept it a private thing. I live in a small town so pretty soon everyone will know and I won't be able to show my face in public without being horribly embarrassed. Oh well, I brought it on myself and I will have to live with it.

Anyway, I guess I have already said too much so I will stop now.