I think the first thing is that you sound ready to take some responsibility...and geez, taking responsibility for ANYTHING can be scary.
And you sound self-aware, although perhaps a bit hard on yourself...no one got us where they are today w/out the "help" (sarcasm here) of others.
And I think you have to move slowly and take one issue at a time. No one...not you, T, friends, family, anyone, can expect a change overnight...and that's ok. NO ONE can change overnight. But you sound like you want to make some changes...and you have to want that first. I wish you the best in your journey.