Dear Dad,

Here is that letter I always knew I would write to you someday. I know youre never going to read it since I just found out today you passed away yesterday. I knew it would go like this, that I wouldnt be there when you passed, that no one would tell me and I'd have to find out through back channels.

The years were not friends to us. We drifted apart and too late we tried to re-connect the broken threads. We tried. I knew your heart was in it, as was my own, but there was too little time to make up for lost time and I knew we would never be close like we used to be again. At least I knew you loved me and I hope you know I loved you.

There are so many things I'd like to say but it seems like I cant think of them all now. I loved your sense of humor. I loved the way you held me and comforted me when I was little. I loved how strong you always seemed, always confident, self assured, kind. I wish we'd had more time to play ball, go fishing, talk about life but you never were that way. We went fishing a few times though and you gave me my first beer at 15. You probably shouldnt have but I think thats what made it so good and then we'd get a six pack and go sit on the creek bank catching perch and catfish and turtles.

You brought home the greatest pets. No one else had prairie dogs or skunks or raccoons. Pretty sure no one else had wolves.

You taught me how to use tools, something that has come in useful time and again. You taught me how to shoot a pistol and a rifle. You bought me my first car.

You were always there for me but for some reason I couldnt talk to you. I tried but maybe I was too whiny, too weak, too ignorant. You never had much to say but you made me feel like I was ok when you'd smile and agree with my feelings in some humorous remark.

The last several years of your life were hard and miserable. You wanted a dog to comfort you but couldnt have one. The woman you married wouldnt go along with it. Too much trouble for her to clean up after and what you wanted, needed, didnt matter. I think you could see in your ending years she wasnt your friend anymore, didnt care about you, just wanted you gone, like she wanted me gone from the first time she saw me.

Im so sorry for the dreams you had that went unfilled, for the promises you hoped to be kept of having a complete and happy life. Im sorry for the losses you reaped instead of the rewards you deserved.

Im thankful that you taught me never to give up, to be stronger than my enemies, to love, not hate.

Im gonna go cry now cause you deserve it, I deserve it. I love you dad and Im gonna miss you.