Thanks guys,

A big fat congratulations to thickntired for reaching the 30 day mile stone that is massive! Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

It's funny you know I have utterly convinced myself that I am the odd one out and only got good things from weed but smoking that amount must be playing with my head even if it feels like it also helps me to control it. There are so many contradicting thoughts racing through my mind. I am expecting to be shocked and least I hope to find that it may be the cause of some of my issues it would be nice if my mate is right but I would be happy with even just a little improvement.

I told my mate yesterday about having been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder ontop of ptsd (and for you guys as still my secret as told no one: borderline) his response shocked me, he seems to think the docs have mistaken for me being stoned and now they will discover there is nothing wrong. This pissed me off a lot actually as it felt like he was mocking the mental illness in dismissing it as stoned like that. Never mind, I just ignored it and let it go.

I'm already feeling more touchy and sensitive, I asked a neighbour to be quiet as well today. I hope I don't take this out on the world, no one likes a bitter angry woman.

I'm trying not to be hard on myself today as I had planned to have nothing today but it has not quite worked out. I thought if I quit whilst I still had some left it meant I could have an accident without having to buy a whole bag but after I woke I panicked and had a spliff. Then I decided I had to get out the flat so I went to the hair dressers for cut and full head of high lights. It took over 3 hour and £90 quid later which ended up being a waste of a great feel good distraction. That was my week smoking pennies gone but when I came home all I could think about was what was left. So I decided to finish it stalks and all. I'm smoking the last one now in bed as I type. It was only 5 spliffs and 1 fag which is still much better but I feel so angry at myself. This has however prompted me to throw away my ash trays and my weed box along with any filters and rizzla so tomorrow there is nothing left to tempt me but also no money left to distract myself. I'm going to listen to some quitting meditations tonight I hope that will calm me to sleep.

Thanks again for your support guys, your really helping me xxx