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I think you are more fearful of running out of medicine than the event at this point perhaps? Not sure you can handle the memory on your own, perhaps? It would make sense to me, as all of your story does.

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I have considered this, but it really is not me. I think that my problem, or at least part of it, is that I tend to have an ordered mind and all of this is definately not ordered. The other part is not having anyone to talk to about this. Maybe it is one of those things someone has to experience to truly believe and/or appreciate. I suspect it is because if someone had told me what I had told a few others I probably would believe them, but at the same time dismiss it as not being as "nerve racking" as what it really is.

Also I really have no fear of being without the medication (Seroquel) as I can get more from my Primary Doc if I need or want it, which I do not because I am needing to go back on Cymbalta which I take for diabetic nueropathy and the doc does not want me on both, besides which the Seroquel is making it impossible to control my sugar levels.

Believe me, I am very happy to have made it through and to be alive to hold my son and love my wife and all that good stuff. That part of me feels like the triumphant warrior returning after a very successful campaign against his most hated enemies. In no way do I wish things had been different.

I have considered going to see a counselor, but that thought does scare me. I am afraid that instead of some honest understanding I will run into the same thing I have from everyone else I have talked to. I just do not need that right now, if ever.

Anyway, thank you for replying. I do appreciate your insights and understanding. That even one person seems to understand the chaos of being sedated to the point of fantasy and reality blurring and being unable to interact meaningfully with your surroundings and all of that, it means a lot and it helps.