Hello everyone....
I would really appreciate some advice. My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and the last six months have been not so good. He feels that I am a nag because I keep bringing up the issues in our marriage, and I feel that he is avoiding the issues because he won't talk about them. A lot of the time, when I ask him questions about his feelings, he just shrugs. This is very frustrating, especially when I'm asking what I can do to fix this. Neither one of us feels that the other person is validating us, but we feel that we are validating to the other person. So things are at a standstill. He refuses to go to counseling, even if we could find a free one. I know we both have problems, for example, I know that I spend too much money, and I know that I don't always keep the house as clean as I should, and I know that it probably does seem like I nag about our relationship, because it is very hard for me to let go of something, because I am very bull-headed. It's a total paradox because I know that one of the things that would fix it would be to stop continually asking for reassurance, but then I don't get any reassurance, and I get scared that something is wrong. He doesn't know why he stays, but he doesn't know why he won't leave either. I really want to make this work, I just don't know how. I need the affection and reassurance and the words to get the strength to do the things that need to be done to fix it. One of the biggest things for example, is I'll ask if he wants me to go somewhere with him. What I want him to say is yes or no. And he always says it's up to me. He feels that that response is very caring, because it's letting me do what I want. But to me, that feels like he could care less if I was with him or not. All I would like to hear is yes, I want you to go with me. I need to hear the words sometimes. He also CONSTANTLY flirts with other girls online. That drives me NUTS. I know that men can compartmentalize their lives, and just because he flirts online doesn't mean he doesn't love me, but it still bugs me. He has never tried to meet these women in person, so far as I know, and I don't feel that he wants to, but it feels like he's going to them to get what he should be getting from me. I feel that he shouldn't worry about getting it from them, and concentrate on making it so that he gets what he needs from me. Like telling me what he needs. Ok, this is getting to be a long post. I guess the bottom line is, how do you know when it's worth it to keep trying, or when it's over, and you need to move on? How do I tell him what I need without appearing to nag? And how do I rebuild my trust in him if we get things fixed? Does it look like it CAN be fixed? Thank you in advance.