I am working on trying to accept myself, but with not being able to define that at all I am not sure what it is I should be accepting. Also I just wish I could explain things in a way that doesn't bother people....uhh it seems like specific issues I have only come up in the heat of argument with close family.

I mean it ends up going like I get anxious, or worried or irritable and then I might take something personally and get defensive when it wasn't really meant in an offensive context....like earlier I mentioned some fleeting worry to my brother and he said to stop being paranoid but he didn't mean it like in a mean way just kinda like 'don't worry.' but his wording. But I took it like you know being told to just stop feeling how I feel which wasn't what he meant...and of course had to make the point to start on about how I can't just stop worrying or never express it just not a good moment for that I guess. Anyways he got all pissed off we argued for a minute...I kinda just let it go as best I could because I didn't want to argue more and figured there would be no explaining any of it to him when we were both all defensive feeling. He mentioned not everyone is going to be gentle about pointing out if I'm bothering them and this and that afterwards which of course I know but it doesn't mean I can just up and be able to handle it.

I mean every time I then have to assure myself siblings argue, friends argue sometimes family members get into arguments, its not about hate and they wont hate me over one argument...especially if they don't hate me after that klonopin episode. Also I doubt what I am doing wrong or might do wrong or any of that is on their minds nearly as much as I think it is. But I hate having to try and reassure myself its just an argument........and even though people like my brother may not always understand or be able to react appropriately and might say the wrong things doesn't mean they hate me. But it makes me feel terrible because it puts me under more stress which worries me even more about finally going so far over the edge the really do want nothing to do with me or something. Of course if I was to go wake up my mom to talk to her about it or go bring it up to my brother it would likely start an argument.

So I guess I have to be even more careful about how I feel, I just don't know exactly what to say that wouldn't piss anyone off to indicate I need some time to myself to de-stress or I might start becoming unpleasant to be around. I feel like if I could somehow do that it would solve the issue but I feel even an effort to do that in a postive manner like just needing some space but not anything against anyone would still be annoying to people.

The other thought is I would like to maybe just be able to deal with the fact that sometimes I will piss people off or annoy them regardless of how much I try not to.......just like everyone else.......but I take it so freaking personally and I guess for whatever reason that makes it 10x worse. I mean I'd think maybe if someone sees I am getting pretty distressed they might back off a little but its like my anxiousness then pisses them off further. Sorry for the long *** rant I just am at a loss of what to even do about that. I mean maybe I could try and think about the context of the situation like if someone makes a comment that bothers me but they aren't expressing obvious anger then maybe I could just keep my defensive comments to myself for the moment and find some other way of coping with the fact it bothered me. It's just a weird cycle because I know I cannot always control my reactions to things, or if I get triggered so if someone get's angry its not necessarily something they can help. Yet the arguments consist of me telling them to react to me differently and them telling me to react to the situation differently which never goes anywhere useful.

And I am actually a little pissed about something, it seems it's perfectly fine for others to get harsh with me or even start yelling or raise their voice, but if I do then I am just wrong........well if people can yell or be harsh with me when I piss them off why shouldn't I have the same right when I'm pissed at them. I mean I don't want to, but the fact that I don't but then everyone seems quite fine to do it to me makes me feel like I am just letting people walk all over me by not getting just as harsh with them if they bother me. I mean the don't yell back and being unable to take the other persons yelling or harshness doesn't seem to work just seems to piss them off further that I'm the one backing away so to speak, but my past attempts to express that I am seriously angry about something or not ok with it never seem to be taken seriously kind of ranty, but how does one deal with that particular frusteration?