Had a lousy session yesterday so afterwards I wrote T an email giving her advance notice that I was unhappy about it and wanted to talk about it in next session on Thursday.
She replied with a typically brief message, but the content of her message has really spun me out and I wondered what you guys think of this. Here’s what she wrote:
Quote:
Hi Torn thanks for your email. I too had the sense the session didn't go as well as it could have and we didn't facilitate much emotional processing. I apologise if I said too much or jumped in too quickly. I am finding it very difficult to get it right for you..and feel I am often walking on eggshells. I will keep on trying to work with you and provide an experience that is healing. I appreciate your feedback before thursday and it will help me to prepare better.
Kind regards
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I’ve put the lot in to give context, but the highlighted bits are the ones that put me into meltdown last night. I feel marginally better today but I have to say that my immediate and lasting reaction is that she is saying she can’t help me, that she doesn’t know what to do, that her comment about ‘keep on trying’ has got to be the least reassuring words I’ve ever read, and that she’s making me responsible for her doubts and feelings about my therapy.
Mainly I feel like I’ve lost all confidence and faith in this T – I’ve managed to coast along for the 38 sessions we’ve had so far by suspending my own reservations about her incompetence and lack of attunement, and by blindly assuming that as she’s the experienced psychologist, she does know what she’s doing even if I don’t see it. Now that blind faith has been blown right out the water and I’m really struggling with seeing myself being able to continue with someone who by her own admission doesn’t know what to do to help me
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It’s how it’s making me feel that’s the issue, like I’m totally unfixable, that even a highly experienced highly trained clinical psychologist can’t seem to find a way to help me. And that I’ve let myself be conned again into believing this person could help me and all along she’s been tippy toeing around me and not being up front and consistent – I feel really betrayed and backstabbed here. Does anyone get that? Does anyone understand why I feel that way?
And oh yeah, the ‘I apologize IF’ really gets me too – she’s not big on taking responsibility for her part in ruptures in therapy, there’s always a defence or an explanation or at best an I’m sorry IF… I really don’t like how this is shaping up. Help, I’m feeling really bad here
Torn