But as we kept talking about it, I came to see that I had to make a conscious decision to make a space for the unknown. I had to trust that my T would be able to contain any feeling that might result from our interaction. And that I wasn't there to be acted upon--that the process would only work if I were willing to be a participant in creating it.

I think what I'm saying dove-tails a bit with what Anne said. My rigidity from fear was ham stringing my T: he was walking on eggshells, not out of incompetence, but out of a desire to do no harm. And because it was the early days of approaching the hardest issues, he wasn't sure that I was stable enough to do the work outpatient. It was a lot of pressure on the relationship, and it kept us at a standstill.

I had to let myself extend my trust of him to also trust that the feelings I was so afraid of would not destroy me if unleashed--that he would be able to contain them, and so protect me. It wasn't logical, but I truly believed that they could consume me.

Extending this trust allowed him some space to work. The pressure on him eased, and the standstill shifted.

It meant that a lot of pain came out, and I relied on him to pace the work in such a way as to keep me stable--I couldn't do that for myself. I guess we slowly built my tolerance, and that in turn, built our mutual confidence in each other and in the process.