I don't know if this is the right section of the forum for this post, but then again, I'm not totally sure what this post is about (gotta love multi-purpose titles).

I think I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I just want to cry all day and hide... but that is replaced by a sense of being one-removed from everything sometimes. I know I put up a wall on things when I had a little issue with having to pick between therapists last week (was hoping to get to know the other one more, but that was apparently out of the question)... I tend to think of it as walking on a frozen river, where I have a sense of things going on down below, but have no real connection to it. And I worry that the ice will crack and I will fall in to drown... the ice had cracked before, and I fell through, and I ended up in a really bad place for a long time... I don't want to go back there.

I don't know where to turn for help. I really miss my old T and can't seem to find that trust with this new guy. I thought I had it, but now it's gone... I'm torn between wanting to talk to him and not wanting to see him anymore.

I've completely walled off any of the trauma stuff again. Now it's just that disconnected feeling that comes and goes... I really don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of having to keep building trust with someone just to be able to talk about this crap. I was doing better at home. I trusted my T and we were getting somewhere. Now I have to start it all again here and I hate it. It doesn't help that I really don't know what I need right now. I want to talk to D, but I don't. I don't know what to say that will help me out of this. And I really don't want to work with a student. I know everyone needs to learn, but I don't want to be on that learning curve. I'm just so tired. And I feel out of place. I hate feeling out of place. I know I did it to myself, but I hate it. I miss having friends and supports and a job. While I don't have to worry month to month about the rent, the house taxes need to be paid in March and I have no idea where the money is going to come from. I worry a lot about money. Especially here, where I have no job and we rely on my mom for the little things... but I don't like relying on her. I don't want to take her money because I know she doesn't have a lot... I don't even like asking her for money for my therapy appointments. And I have the animals to feed and care for. It really sucks, because I have never been this bad off. I would re-home some of the reptiles, but no one seems interested in them. The economy sucks all around...

I think I was doing ok until I heard about Mindy McCready... I don't know why I feel so upset about it, but I just do. Heck, I didn't even listen to her music... but something about her story stuck with me, and I so wanted to be able to help her... or maybe I was just sad that so many failed her... then judged her... and maybe I'm a tad jealous that she did what I have tried so many times... and wish I could succeed at... I just long for the peace of it. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of trying. I'm just tired... And I long for some isolation so I could make myself feel better without judgement and repercussions. It's so hard living with my mom again. She's so quick to anger and she drinks all the time... She refuses to even look into therapy... it sucks. I wish she would, because I miss the fantasy image of a happy mom. and because if she hasn't found a shred of happiness to date at her age, what hope is there for me to find it in the long-run? It's sad. And I just want to talk about this with D, but... we never get there and I am too good at skimming the surface of the stuff I really want to/need to talk about then hiding behind a less-difficult topic. I think I liked a day program because I was there long enough to finally wear my wall a bit thinner and be able to talk about some of the stuff, or at least accidentally let my guard down for a moment and say something I really needed to say and the clinician would pick up on it and take me back to it when I tried to hide again... It's easier to keep up appearances for an hour than it is for 4... and I really want to find a trauma program that will help dig into all that stuff that I hide from, but there isn't one locally. So I'm stuck with what I have. I don't know how to make the best of it because I'm scared that I will get myself too deep, and D will have neither the awareness or skill to help me out in time... I need someone I can trust right now, because I feel myself floundering... I know my defenses are only good for so long...