I never thought of myself as a self-harmer. I always thought, why would someone deliberately hurt themselves? Why do they think it helps?
After being around PC for a while, though, I realize I've been self-harming for a long time. I eat junk food until I feel sick, tell myself "I won't do that again!", then do it again. Other times I don't eat anything, and wind up feeling sick anyway. I don't go out of my way to avoid pain. I tell myself that I'm not good enough for anyone.
Lately, though, the damage I've done, the damage you can't see, hasn't been enough. I'm growing more violent, towards myself and my brother. When he makes me angry, I lash out at him. Physically. And I like it when he hits back. I occasionally punch myself in the thigh, and have urges to hit my head on things to deal with frustration. Three weeks ago I clawed at the back of my hand, hardly drawing any blood, but the damage I did cause took all of the last three weeks to heal, and I can still see the marks.
The invisible harm is no longer enough. But I want to stop the visible harm before I start giving in to the urges.
Because if I start, I won't stop.