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Feb 19, 2013, 05:03 PM
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Member Since: Aug 2009
Location: The Abyss
Posts: 2,692
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Hi Torn thanks for your email. I too had the sense the session didn't go as well as it could have and we didn't facilitate much emotional processing. I apologise if I said too much or jumped in too quickly. I am finding it very difficult to get it right for you..and feel I am often walking on eggshells. I will keep on trying to work with you and provide an experience that is healing. I appreciate your feedback before thursday and it will help me to prepare better. Kind regards
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I am really sensitive, and I didn't take the I apologize if I said to much or jumped in too quickly. I understand where you are coming from, but this doesn't sound like the blow-off statement like, I am sorry if you felt that way type of thing. It sounded like she was coming up with ways that she felt she triggered/hurt you, such as saying to much or jumping in too quickly. Just my read on the situation, but I don't know her, so you would know better.
I would totally be hurt by her saying she feels she is often walking on eggshells. My T has said, "I am trying to be sensitive, I am trying to be sensitive." These two messages are very distinct. My T's message was that he knows I am sensitive but that he needed to tell me this. He wasn't upset about me being sensitive, he wasn't angry, he wasn't annoyed ( or least he didn't seem to be). What your T said was about her, what my T said was about me. I wrote this to try to put into words what is upsetting you. But like you can help being sensitive, like you can help being triggered and having that bring up tons of emotions? Isn't this what you are in therapy for? That sounded very unhelpful.
I was unaware that she is CBT trained. That is what my xT was. That type of training doesn't lend itself to dealing with various parts, like we spoke about earlier. I know you said she was talking about parts, though, and schema therapy.
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I’ve put the lot in to give context, but the highlighted bits are the ones that put me into meltdown last night. I feel marginally better today but I have to say that my immediate and lasting reaction is that she is saying she can’t help me, that she doesn’t know what to do, that her comment about ‘keep on trying’ has got to be the least reassuring words I’ve ever read, and that she’s making me responsible for her doubts and feelings about my therapy.
Mainly I feel like I’ve lost all confidence and faith in this T – I’ve managed to coast along for the 38 sessions we’ve had so far by suspending my own reservations about her incompetence and lack of attunement, and by blindly assuming that as she’s the experienced psychologist, she does know what she’s doing even if I don’t see it. Now that blind faith has been blown right out the water and I’m really struggling with seeing myself being able to continue with someone who by her own admission doesn’t know what to do to help me 
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Yeah, the "I will keep on trying to work with you" is rubbish It's not like you have tried several things for a certain duration, IDK. Her lack of attunement, just as an aside, might be you dissociating and feeling like she is not attuned. I remember with my T one time I was dissociated and I knew that we were not attuned because of me, but couldn't help it. You talk about blind faith, I wonder if you really ever trusted her at all?
Usually when others don't understand me, I pretty much know I am in the past. I do understand you, though, I hear what you are saying. I wish you could see a trauma specialists or a T that specializes in DID. Whether or not you have it, DID T's understand more of the workings of people that aren't whole.
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It’s how it’s making me feel that’s the issue, like I’m totally unfixable, that even a highly experienced highly trained clinical psychologist can’t seem to find a way to help me. And that I’ve let myself be conned again into believing this person could help me and all along she’s been tippy toeing around me and not being up front and consistent – I feel really betrayed and backstabbed here. Does anyone get that? Does anyone understand why I feel that way?
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((((((Torn)))))))))) You are not unfixable. I understand the feeling of being conned and feeling betrayed and backstabbed. I totally understand why you feel this way. Sometimes Do No Harm seems to fall by the wayside.
I don't like that either, Torn. Keeping you in my thoughts. It doesn't sound like you can trust this T, and trust is important. ((((((Torn))))))))
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"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity." Edgar Allan Poe
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