I know what you mean. Sometimes life feels like it is full of misery and pain. I still don't think suicide is the way out. It may end your suffering, but it will spread all the pain and misery to everyone that cares about you. That's what I am telling myself anyway. I'm sitting here at my desk and that is all I can think about right now. I need to go take a shower and go to bed, but I don't want to be alone. At least with my wife sitting at her computer next to me, I won't brazenly kill myself.

I'm sitting her looking at a knife, wondering if I should cut myself. Would that make me feel any better? I doubt it. I would feel numb for a while, but it wouldn't improve my life any. I have so much anger directed towards myself. Sometimes, I can't even look at myself. What is sad is I was feeling good this morning. I was starting to like myself, and happy I lot ten pounds eating healthy and exercising, instead of starving myself. Now I am in the midst of despair again and I don't see the way out. My self esteem has plummeted.

My only hope is that tomorrow will be better than today. I hope that I can face the problems that seem overwhelming to me at the moment. Money, work, school, marriage. I don't think there will ever be a shortage of problems. My only hope is that I find strength and continue to face them. Otherwise I have failed. If I lose hope then there is nothing left. If I were to give up, then it will spread all this misery I have and then some to everyone who cared that I ever existed. A wife who relies on me everyday, who loves me even though I get miserably depressed. A mother who has a son that didn't turn out to be a drug addict and loser, and even graduated college in the face of adversity. A little sister that looks up to me. A mother in law who loves me like her own child. A father in law who respects me. It is an honor to be respected by an honorable man such as him. A dog who best joy is seeing me walk through the door everyday. For these people I keep fighting these feelings of despair and push on towards tomorrow. I have to be strong for them and face life. Sometimes that means being strong and facing things. Sometimes that means crying, but to always fight the feels of self destruction. One day I know I will feel joy and happiness again, and I can't give up hope for that.

If things are really bad for you Girl-Interrupted, Please seek help. Call a friend, call family that can help, or call 911. I've tried suicide twice and it is not a solution for what I was feeling at the time. There is no shame in wanting to die, but please get help.