Well. I've had an interesting few days to say the least. All my anxiety culminated in me becoming incredibly suicidal last night (Days are blurring so I can't remember) which has not happened in years and for the first time ever I called a help line thanks to Mara Mountain who just happened to be in chat. While I'm at it, I want to thank the others that were also there and helped me out I really appreciate it. I couldn't figure out what had happened or anything. I got out of a bath and went to my bed to go to sleep and was just overcome with the thought that "This is it". I still don't know what happened.

What I do know is it had nothing to do with my birthday today which ended up being really depressing. I'm not the type to say I care about my birthday so people don't really remember it. My mother and one of my brothers sent me really nice messages but they were full of messages I couldn't "Hear" if you know what I mean. For example my brother said "I hope you do something really fun and treat yourself well on your special day. You deserve it". I just don't feel like I deserve anything in the world. Also these last few days I've felt incredibly needy on this site and don't want to gain the reputation of someone in constant attention seeking mode. It's just a really bad time for me these days and until I can get in for that psych evaluation I think I'm going to be staying in this pit. I feel just awful right now and want to take a bunch of drugs to just keep me passed out. You know that feeling of wanting to be alive but dead? Yeah. I just want to be in and out of consciousness. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow but I know it's not going to help any going forward. Hopefully I can get help soon and don't need to call that hotline again any time soon.

Thanks for the support all.