Feral I’m not sure how to respond to this latest post of yours – my first reaction was ‘ouch’ and having left it for a day my reaction is still ‘ouch’. I don’t feel at all supported or understood by you here and in fact feel attacked and criticized .

Torn, I'm sorry you feel attacked, as that is not my intention. Your original OP reflected a decision making process about whether or not to send this angry e-mail. That's an action, not a feeling, so my comments are addressing the thinking process, not the validity of your feelings (which I believe I addressed in an earlier post). Of course, your feelings are valid--but that doesn't mean they accurately reflect the situation--as you say yourself-- nor that they should be the only motivation behind taking an action.

Um I have to ask where did ‘blind trust’ come from? I believe I spoke of having faith in my T’s competence and abilities as a professional, in the same way I would have to assume faith in the first instance in the capabilities of a doctor, dentist, solicitor - this does not seem to me to be the same as the ‘blind trust’ you are talking about – I therefore resent your categorical statement of apparent fact that my ‘blind trust’ is not at all benign (I don’t get the connection here anyway between benevolence and trust) and that I am ‘idealizing’ and that such apparent idealization is ‘unforgiving’ – a combination of words I’m not sure I understand either. I thought I was very clear that I neither trust nor idealize .

Blind trust (faith) were your words, not my characterization:

Mainly I feel like I’ve lost all confidence and faith in this T – I’ve managed to coast along for the 38 sessions we’ve had so far by suspending my own reservations about her incompetence and lack of attunement, and by blindly assuming that as she’s the experienced psychologist, she does know what she’s doing even if I don’t see it. Now that blind faith has been blown right out the water

and--

Right up until I got the reply, I had this blind faith in her ability to help me,

As far as idealizing, I know you said you don't idealize any T, but suspending your reservations, not expressing your anger, and allowing your T to believe that you are going along with whatever she's been doing, yet inside feeling quite negatively about her performance, is not being upfront and open, and is the appearance of being at odds with your feelings.

I also am surprised at your comments about my anger – again I thought I was being very clear that that IS the thing I constantly bring to therapy to be worked through – it’s not hidden or underground or passing itself off as something else, so I don’t understand your allusions to crazy making and controlling. I am very up front and honest about my anger in therapy (insofar as it’s safe to be so of course).

But here you say you have not expressed your anger openly--

but the one thing I haven't been 'allowed' to do up to now, is express my anger at them

And then you seem to consider burying the anger that you say you most want to explore in therapy:

is it better for me to play goodie goodie and be all reasonable about discussing this with her on Thursday so as to allay her doubts about helping me..

About eggshells:

So my T’s comment about walking on eggshells is actually on many levels undermining blaming and controlling. Whether she actually feels as you did when you had to walk on eggshells around your father is an entirely moot point because I believe that I am not and never should be held responsible for her feelings, and unless her self disclosure about her feelings serves some useful therapeutic purpose, it’s just making me responsible in a way that is most decidedly untherapeutic.