Oh this sucks. I'm on this precarious point, so close to a total breakdown. I don't know what to do... I'm so afraid of ending up in the hospital again, and resuming the in-and-out pattern... I can't do that. There's no way I can handle that again... I'll die. I think I can handle it if I don't make it a pattern... I don't know. I don't know whether my discouragement is natural to my situation, or a result of my medicine's effectiveness waning. If I need a medicine change I'll have to go in, I'll be too dangerous to myself without a working med. But if a med change doesn't pick up the slack, it'll all be over... I just can't think straight alone, without meds I'm completely obsessed with suicide.
But I might be able to hold it together, I might be really close to things getting better. The problem is, I'm afraid that if I'm wrong, my safety net is gone. Either choice - hold out, or check myself in - could be doom. I'm so anxious, so stressed, and I'm alone.