it was going back to that dream i had where i was talking to t and asked her to hold and i fell asleep and came back to the phone ten minutes after the session ended, and she was furious. when i talked to t about it she was thinking it wasn't about her at all, that maybe my 'inner therapist' was mad at me. i was thinking maybe she was right. that it was mad at me because i need HER and the inner therapist is not enough. And I was thinking also about why I keep talking about ending therapy and realized that it's because I know it's going to hurt so much when she's not in my life anymore at all, and I'd rather just go through the hurt now instead of having it looming out there in the future like some big dark cloud over my head all the time. Sigh. It's still a bunch of jumbled rambling. But I am going to talk to t about it next time.