Hi again Feral, thanks for taking the time to reply further, and for the hug .

I have to say I didn’t realize that my original post had come across as seeking advice about whether or not to post my angry email to T – I’d written the post as a kind of stream of consciousness of the overwhelming feelings I was (and still am) experiencing about her response to me – while I appreciate whatever supportive advice or suggestions people come up with, I think I was more seeking emotional support and understanding of my situation than anything else. I always intended to send T a message to forewarn her that I had issues with her response, the only real question was whether to send an angry (but spontaneous and sincere) message or a more censored ‘reasonable’ (but contrived and fake) message.

This is coming down to semantics isn’t it. By blind faith I mean that it’s unfounded, it’s an assumption of faith in the other’s (in this case) professional capabilities without any grounds in the first instance to actually have faith in them. A suspension of disbelief if you like… I rarely use the word trust, as it doesn’t figure much in my life .

I’m also aware that many contradictions will be apparent in what I say (and feel and think), if I were all of a piece and had the same response consistently to different aspects of my life, I’d be either dead or a zombie (or perhaps levitating blissfully with happiness – I wish ). I don’t see any inconsistencies however in my attitude to anger and to therapists generally – it’s a given (at least it is for me) that how I automatically interpret things in the here and now is heavily influenced by my past – but neither one nor the other is ALL that’s involved in each moment. So there never is nor can there be a definitive ‘truth’ or a genuine certainty – some sessions I would be very upfront about the red flags I perceived coming from my T, other sessions I’d suspend judgement because I was acutely aware that stuff from the past was operating. That’s what I meant about coasting for 38 sessions – the red flags have simply mounted up and last session and her email response were several dozens of them too many .

I also have no problem explaining to a T that I’m feeling angry or resentful or whatever, it’s being denied the space and acceptance to express negative feelings that is one of the core issues in all my therapy. Perhaps that’s semantics again… but for me there’s a clear distinction between talking about a feeling and expressing it.

I realize I’m being a tad defensive here, but it does feel uncomfortable feeling like my comments and questions are being used against me to prove a point. I seem to have an overriding need to be transparent about my motives and feelings – I always think, possibly naively and stupidly, that if only I explain things clearly enough, people will get me...

Hugs right back to you Feral