That sounds really scary, Clinte. Maybe you should tell your t or pdoc what is going on? I went through something similar a week ago, and I told my pdoc. She didn't overreact or anything; she simply increased my zyprexa. It turns out that that was all that was needed to stop the intrusive sui thoughts. Maybe your situation is similar? And you'll want them to know, because if it becomes so severe that you can't resist anymore and would be safer in the hospital, then it won't come as a surprise to your treatment team.

Please be safe. You're a valued member of this board and, regardless of what your "conscience" is telling you, your life is worth living!