Hellion, first of all, we do "not" find ourselves through "drug use". Drugs can help us with "symptoms" mainly 'anxiety" but, drugs don't "tell us who we are".

You have a history where you were bullied, and you never realized that "bullies" are people that don't have "empathy" and are only out to find a sense of "control" because they themselves have "fears and insecurities". Anyone that happens to become a "target" is not because "they are unworthy" in some way, they are just often a "random" target, and will often represent something in the bully that bothers the bully about themselves somehow. And yes, there are teachers out there too that also can have that problem, I had it happen to me and now that I look back, that teacher was just a "jerk". Unfortunately, I absorbed her unfair treatment towards me because I just didn't know what else to do.

Hellion, you need to "grow past" this history, understand that how you struggle with yourself is now something you are doing to yourself as a result from "believing" your lack of personal value these "bullies" put upon you. There is no short supply of bullies out there, the important thing to understand is that they are the ones that have the "low worth" not you. You are "not" a bad person, you are "not the kind of person that would "bullie" anyone either". You have alot of "empathy" Hellion, that is why you felt "bad" about that person that was shot and killed, you wanted to grieve her but somehow felt you were not "good enough or part of her life enough to do that". That was not being "fair to yourself" however Hellion, you would be surprised at how many others felt "just like you did".

What you are not recognizing is that all of your "interal challenges" are what most people deal with. However, when someone has PTSD, the fears and doubts and negetive messages recieved from others are "magnified". What helps alot for someone who struggles with PTSD is to see how human they really are and recognize that whatever they are challenged by is just "magnified" by the PTSD, so the "work" is in learning how to "self sooth" which means learning to recognize the "hurt in self" and finally learning how to make peace with it, seeing the normal human aspect of it so that you dont go on thinking you are "different, less than, incapable of, or misunderstood". You are not going to "fix or change others" you are only going to change the way "others problems and issues affect you". You have to understand that you do have some "victim mentality" as well, guess what, me too, but you can choose to see it and grow past it and help Hellion herself grow and learn "inspite of it". You are definitely "not" a bad person Hellion.

(((Hugs)))