Yeah I know that, I wasn't saying I was using them to try and find myself, though maybe that was a part of it...not really sure. Just that I have gone overboard with drugs in an attempt to self medicate and such before. I do my best to avoid that now since I've learned hence the reason I don't use much else than cannabis anymore I am a lot more careful about alcohol to.

It wasn't that I was a 'random' target, I was more the designated target for all the bullies teachers and students alike. It was nothing about me doing something that bothered them about themselves it was my differences from them. I mean the bullies instigated the bullying and ostracism but then even the normally decent kids would go along with it at the very least they would refuse to include me just not to lose their cooler status. If I could count the number of times people told me 'you can't sit with us or we'll get made fun of to.' it would be a lot. I wish I could say I was just a random target but it was always ongoing with the same people. I mean people say 'everyone gets bullied.' but does everyone get bullied that consistently through different schools? I mean even the therapists I've had are pretty sure it wasn't a case of bad luck of being a random target it was systematic tearing down of my self esteem and such.

Woah there, I am really, really trying to work on the self blaming and it doesn't help when people throw at me that I am 'doing this to myself.' NO...this is not something I did to myself or am doing to myself it is what others did to me it's hard enough trying to come to terms with that without feeling like a generally weak pathetic person....without people trying to tell me it's my fault to for not being able to move past it. If I could I would trust me. If it was something I could control at will then yes it would be true I am doing it to myself......but I can't that is like saying if someones broken leg doesn't heal correctly and they complain about it hurting that it's their fault for focusing on it hurting. I mean I don't have anything with which to construct a more positive outlook of myself with...it's not like I am 'choosing' to veiw myself the way others veiwed me or treated me its more invasive thoughts and feelings keep me down on myself. It not anything I am choosing or doing to myself.


Also I don't think its accurate that 'all' of my internal challenges are what most people deal with. Do most people get bullied consistantly the way I was all the way through childhood? Do most people have a kid they know shot at their school...and then still get treated as the freaking outcast or as if they might as well have done it. Are most people on the autism spectrum struggling with the fact they don't see things or understand things the way others do and the alienation? Do most children grow up thinking they have to be repsonsible for everyone else and make peace just to try and reduce the stress a little? I mean am well aware most people struggle with a lot of the same internal conflicts I might such as trying to define them self, trying to keep relationships going and such but a lot of my internal stuggles are my own...not something everyone else experiances. I would agree the PTSD further amplifies the things that would be hard for most people making them seem a lot worse than they are but that is not to say most people struggle with 'all' of my same internal struggles.

I 'am' different from the norm...for one there's the autism spectrum factor the anxiety/depression since childhood and the PTSD. So by the very basic meaning of the word I am different but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Also there are things I am incapable of and a lot of times I am most certainly misunderstood.........I can't just tell myself those things aren't true since that would be a lie. I'd agree I am not 'less than' even if I feel like it a good majority of the time. I know I cannot fix or change others, though I am not so sure I can change how they effect me...working on trying to at least not take it to heart too much. For instance I try and think to myself if someone says something in the heat of the moment I should take it with a grain of salt...if someone says I 'never' do something for instance in an argument that doesn't actually mean they think I never do that they're just angry and not being totally rational. However I doubt I can prevent myself from ever being hurt by others....and I feel it shouldn't all be on me. Sure I'd like to be able to handle some things better and not be brought down as much but at the same time others shouldn't kick someone when they are down, or bully people in general they are in the wrong for doing that.

Also its not as though I go around thinking I am a victim of any and everything, however I have been victimized so yeah I am going to have a mentality that reflects that probably....I suppose I don't see why I should have to change that is it too much for others to see the aftermath of what can happen to someone after having any ounce of confidence or self esteem beaten out of them? Yeah its damn hard and if it bothers people they can look elsewhere instead of expecting me to just not have the mentality I've develeloped over 23 years of my life. Not trying to argue or anything but I feel strongly about a lot of this.