after I wrote this, I wrote out an email to him. I did not yet send it, but saved it as a draft and asked him if it was ok to email him something I felt I could not speak. (it doesn't help that I cannot afford to pay my phone bill and it has been shut off, so email is the only way to contact him at the moment...). I also asked if he had time this week. maybe emailing him will help us figure out a way to communicate without me necessarily having to speak about certain things...
thanks guys. tho even just writing the email without sending it has caused such a rise in my anxiety it's nuts...