My T and I talk a lot about authenticity, because it's something I really struggle with. All my life, I've tried to be what others want me to be, to project the image I think others want to see, to say what I think others want to hear. Regardless of the cost to myself.

So, for me, I think authenticity is less about doing what feels good and more about what feels right and true and honest for yourself. It's about not wearing masks and hiding your true self from others. The thing about being authentic is that even though it might not feel good (especially if you think being yourself might cause a negative reaction in others), it feels right and for me that's a huge comfort.

It's not really about being selfish and doing what ever you want or what makes you feel good. It's more about allowing your true self to shine through in whatever way it needs to. For example - if I'm having a conversation with my mother and she says something that is in direct opposition to my true beliefs, I have a tendency to just nod and make noises of agreement, then change the subject. It preserves the peace, which has always been my role in the family. If I were to be authentic then I might tell her that I don't feel that way, and that I actually believe x. Preserving the peace feels good to me because it's safe, but it hurts me because I'm denying myself. Offering a dissenting opinion scares the crap out of me, because I'm risking disturbing the peace and being noticed, but it also feels good because I'm being true and honest with myself and others. See the difference? Quick "good" feeling by not being authentic, followed by hurt at not being true to myself vs. Quick scary or hurt feelings followed by good feelings at being true to myself.

Being authentic is so hard, especially when you've been conditioned to wear masks and be what others think you should be. I think it's worth it in the long run, though. The few times I've taken the risk, it's felt so much more right to me.