I hate being bipolar, and I hate the state of my life. Would I be more successful without it? I believe so. As others have said: it's a common misconception and somewhat a bit of a myth that all episodes of mania/hypomania (these 'highs' experienced by people with bipolar disorder) are periods of happiness and creativity.

Some of my highs have indeed been full of creativity, but where does it end? Well for me it ends crashing and burning into irritability, paranoid delusions, severe depression and eventually suicide attempts.

At the age of 14 I had my first hospital stay and missed the majority of my exams. Before the disorder I was an A* grade student, with the chance of 14 qualifications. Since...I've lost everything. Up until the age of 17 I couldn't stay stable and focused enough long enough at all to follow through with my high hopes and expectations not just from me but also from my teachers.

I had a second chance and did really well. I attained distinction grades, was on the "Lecturers reasons to be cheerful" list, was in the gifted and talented group. And at times I got manic and this helped me do 3,000 word essays in an hour or so...but eventually it led to me being a complete hyperactive wreck - putting myself in a lot of danger. And before I could complete the course...I was sent back to the psych ward.

Without the bipolar in my life, who knows what I could have achieved? I know for certain I would have been able to keep up the A* grades and make my teachers proud. I was in the top classes and was close to getting some very good qualifications. As soon as the bipolar started affecting me, I lost it all.

I was un-medicated for the first few years which made things worse (they wanted to wait until I was 18 to diagnose and medicate the bipolar, so until then they stuck with the depression diagnoses but gave me a couple of meds). Though with medication you lose most of the highs anyway.

So yeah. At times mania can be enjoyable. But most times it's a pain in the ***, and the depression that follows just makes it so much less enjoyable. And when the mania is hallucinating and seeing my dead relatives and the devil; thinking my mum is trying to kill me; being hospitalized for months at a time; not being able to sleep for 7 days; etc...it's the complete opposite.

I know it probably makes me sound pathetic saying I wish I didn't have bipolar, but I honestly hate having an illness that still to this day affects everything I do. The debt, the hundreds of scars over my body, the fear of another episode, the episodes themselves (crippling depression AND crippling mania and mixed episodes), the time in education it stole form me, the huge gap in my CV I have left, not being legal to drive, etc.

I want it all to go. Hope that gives you a better perspective.

RB.