I just wanted to feel connected... to people who understood EXACTLY what I was going through and I thought the internet would be perfect since my illness has brought me to near-isolation. What I didn't anticipate was what would happen if I were to lose that connection somehow.

"Don't be silly," I said to myself, thinking I was just indulging in paranoid feelings.

Then (and as I had feared), just as I was getting comfortable writing about my life and illness to thousands of people, and creating connections with others who shared almost identical symptoms, I was CUT OFF!!

"Okay," I said. Minor log-in problems, I found out. Got that fixed right away - good, no problems - I can still connect...

One little freak out. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MUCH IT DISTURBED ME!!!

I've only been "talking" to these "messages" on a screen - it's not like a "real person" or anything; it's not like I have a commitment to these people as I would in real life, right? But I couldn't help feeling a little freaked out when I couldn't log in.

Then more crap! I can't reply to any messages posted while still connected. I try logging in again. Nothing. Sent off an e-mail to tech support - nothing. 2 days, 3 days. I fire off another one - did I do something wrong? This was my first time blogging, maybe I broke a rule? I could see all the usuals logged in, I just couldn't get in. 4 days now! Not a reply from my 3 messages to tech, nor a reply from the site founder/director/moderator.

Now I'm freaking out! I am seriously freaking out! How can this happen? What the hell did I do? Why are they ignoring me? Am I beng purposefully locked out?? Am I being REJECTED FROM OTHER BORDERLINES????


If I cannot be accepted by others who walk the same path as I do - the only other people who truly understand me - then what kind of chance do I really have, ever , with anyone ?

I cried so hard. For 2 days, I was anxiety ridden. I checked my computer every 15 minutes... I was so desperate for just one e-mail.

Then I realized after I had cancelled Thanksgiving dinner with my family tonight, I was just lost inside myself again. And I let those I love the most, down again.

Why is it that: by the time I realize what is happening, it has already happened?

I just can't keep apologizing forever. The apologies have already faded into white noise in their ears.

What is there left for me to do except fade into the white noise, too? Everyone would certainly be better off...

Oh yes, then I remembered, I'm a NARCICCIST, TOO!


That'll NEVER happen. I'm just too much for myself - I gotta keep spreading it around!



That's when I found PsychCentral...