Here I am again; I wish I could just disappear from the face of the earth completely. Why am I even alive?
I am sooooo stupid, weak, confused, annoying. I soooo hate me.
I am soooo very sad, scared, confused, angry -- angry with my therapist, angry with everyone, but mostly at myself. I am so angry at myself that I could cut myself in little pieces. I cannot handle this pain and this panic anymore, and there is no one around me, ever. I cannot, I do not, and I will not trust anyone ever, ever, again. I will never, ever talk to anyone about me, ever again. I cannot handle this anymore. I cannot handle this. I do not even know who I am anymore, and I have so many memory problems. I hate that; I hate life; I hate everything.
I want to cry, and I cannot. The tears stop at the corners of my eyes. I cannot sleep well; I sleep with my keys, my phone, a pepper spray next to my pillow, and I wake up all the time shaking thinking that someone took them, and I am not safe, and so many more........
A neighbor's dog died a few days ago, and I am upset; it should have been me that died, not that dog.