Thank you all for the kind words, and words of encouragement. I must admit coming back to the site has proven to be worth while for me. I still have no set a date, or called anyone. I don't know why I can't, I just can't. I'm waiting on other people at the moment and I'm sure it'll come together I'm just not sure it'll be as soon as I'd like. I wrote my brother today and basically reiterated what I said here.

"I'm really not doing good Eric. I called a suicide hotline for the first time ever last night. I couldn't figure out what happened. I was having a bath, got out to go to sleep and just got crazy suicidal like nothing that's ever happened before. I've rejoined a site dedicated to mental health and I've been working towards trying to get in to see a psychiatrist for a psych evaluation and get on the right drugs and get a referral to a psychologist. Believe it or not the timing of my birthday is purely coincidental. The problem I'm having is getting myself help. I no longer feel like I have people I can ask to go with me and stuff so it's tough because it's all cyclical and thinking like that gets me depressed about the fact I can't ask anyone. This is the year I decide to get busy living or get busy dying. It's simple. I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time and no one ever knows. That's why this is my make or break year. I can't take it anymore being in this middle ground where it isn't bad, but it isn't good either. Life starts now with me getting help or ends rapidly."

He's offered to drive up here and help if I can't find someone else so I may take him up on that as ridiculous as that sounds given that one of my brothers lives above me. I've never talked to him about depression ever since he told me that I ruined his part of his childhood by being so ****ed up when I was 15 and 16. That's still the single worst thing anyone has ever said to me and he meant it. Just wanted to share as it gives context to why I can't ask him to help.

I'm doing good today I think. Going to hopefully get a long sleep for once tonight and get back to my ever so "Cheery" self lol. Maybe tomorrow is my bounce back day.