Just a quick update - I sent off my response to T's response yesterday and she replied later in the evening. This time she was very reassuring and categorically stated that I am not responsible for her feelings, she doesn't think I'm unfixable, and that she has no intention of quitting on me. She also said that email was maybe not a very good way to communicate, which is my basic feeling as well though I'm not sure I want to lose the option.

Anyway I felt immeasurably reassured by her reply and though today's session is going to be really hard and might still end up in a bad place, I feel much more sure about her commitment to trying to help me. On that basis I tell myself that what I need to do is to just keep on going to see her no matter how rubbish it is or how angry I get, and hope that the healing will arise from that. I think it was my absolute terror that she was pulling the rug on me that sent me into such a terrible spin. So long as I can count on her to be there, maybe there's a chance this therapy could be the one that helps me...

Thanks everyone for listening to me ramble here, I will still post an update later